Always
by matlinsisters
Summary: After breaking Clare's heart as well as his own by telling her they needed a break. Eli decides to apologize - but how will Clare react to his apology? Three shot.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This could be incredibly triggering if you're suicidal or depressed. I wouldn't recommend reading it. Also, due to mature content - reader discretion is advised. (:  
**

* * *

_**"It was always you, falling for me, now there's always time calling for me. I'm the light blinking at the end of the road. Blink back to let me know."**_

* * *

It had been two weeks since the two had spoken with each other. Two full weeks and Eli was starting to feel as though he had made the biggest mistake in the world by telling Clare they needed a break. Sure, they did at the time but now that he was thinking straight again, he had found himself restless as he paced his bedroom while thinking about the girl. "I messed up," He spoke softly, glancing over to the person sitting on his bed - it was none other than Imogen Moreno. She decided to pay him a visit and see how he was doing since he had gone into seclusion again. "I don't know how I could ever win her heart back," Eli added, he could feel his eyes filling up with tears as he spoke the words. Imogen gave him a sad look as she watched him pace the room. "How could I be so stupid, Imogen?" He asked.

Imogen was trying to think of a way that Eli could get Clare back into his life, hopefully for good. "You're not stupid but sometimes you make really stupid decisions," she replied bluntly, knowing that it wasn't his smartest idea to tell his girlfriend that she, of all people, was the problem when she barely did anything wrong. She only tried to be there for him and talk him out of his funk. However, it backfired and Eli only became angry with her over time. "I know Clare is more quirky than me so I can't think of anything she would like honestly. Unless it was book related," Imogen stated, biting her lip softly as she thought over Eli's options. "What if you took her some flowers that she likes and a mixtape? That's a classic approach. Or you could write her a love letter? All three, possibly?" Imogen suggested, finally smiling as Eli stopped in his tracks to think it over.

"Yeah that actually... sounds good. Thank you," Eli replied, nodding as he reached for his notebook in his bookbag.

"Great, I'll leave you to write your letter and work on your mixtape. Let me know how everything goes, okay? Oh and if you really want to impress her - make it an actual cassette, not a CD." Imogen stated, her tone filled with happiness as she headed for the door of Eli's room. "I will see you later!" She added, finally leaving.

"Bye, Imo." He spoke softly. Turning his attention to the white blank page in front of him.

* * *

After spending his day making a tape with various songs on it that made him think of their relationship, buying a bouquet of pink stargazer lillies, and writing a five page letter. Everything was set, all that was left to do was visit Clare at home. However, he knew he barely had the courage to talk to her after what happened because he was so scared of being dumped again.

"What are you doing here?" Were the words from Clare's mouth as she opened the door, giving him an angry look before noticing the stuff in his hands. He handed her the bouquet of flowers and the envelope containing the letter along with the tape. Saying nothing, he turned and walked away and all Clare could do was give Eli a look as he left. The girl didn't bother to stop him and instead walked to the kitchen to put the flowers in water. As soon as the flowers were in a vase, she carried them along with the envelope upstairs to her bedroom. Locking the door behind her, she walked over to her desk and sat down to open the envelope. As she pulled out the letter, the tape fell down onto the desk and she picked it up, setting aside the pages of paper. "Listen to this." The tape read, narrowing her eyes she reached for her radio which had a cassette player and placed it inside.

While listening to this tape he had sent inside the envelope; she began to read the letter he had written to her.

* * *

_You wanted me to talk, so please listen._

_Last week when I found Cam's body, it completely turned my world upside down. I didn't even know the kid and seeing him laying there, blood soaked, with a slashed throat that he did himself was enough to haunt me for the rest of my life. After finding Julia on the side of the road, it brought back so many memories of that night and the days following her death. Now, I'm left feeling the exact same way even though I didn't know the kid. Why? I don't know. I probably never will. The reason why I have been avoiding talking about it is because I'm scared to. Talking about it makes me think and I don't exactly want to do that right now - that's why I turned to ecstasy, weed, and partying. I just wanted to forget and having you ask me to talk so much - it made me want to forget even more. I know that what I did was stupid, blaming you was even worse, and I'm sorry. I can't express that to you enough.  
_

_Clare, I can't go an hour without seeing his face. His eyes staring off in the distance at nothing in particular. His cold, pale, lifeless skin covered in blood. I haven't been able to sleep without seeing him, whether the images are from when he was alive and happy with that Maya girl, or when I found him. Usually, it's both. I'm so scared, Clare. Though I've talked to my therapist about it, I still don't feel any better but I have stopped taking drugs. They weren't helping me, they were making it worse by numbing the pain. After they would wear off, after the crash, I would start to see him again - I would begin to think.  
_

_And you don't know this but last year, when we broke up, I felt like he must have before he ended his life. My heart and soul ached so bad that I wanted to just set myself free by ending it all. No one knows the pain of feeling so hopeless, that you actually mean it when you say "I wish I were dead" - but I do. I meant it when I said those words last year. I wanted to take my own life, too, but I held on because I had this - what I thought was a sense of false hope - that maybe you would love me again. I kept going because of you. But if I would have decided that I couldn't do it anymore, that could have been my body in the greenhouse. My dad couldn't believe it that I could think in such a way but I did; sometimes when things go sour - I still do. In fact I thought about it recently but again, you kept me holding on. I'm not saying that you're my anchor, or to make you think all this pressure is on you. I'm just saying it because that's how much I love you. I would rather live and be with you than die and be gone. To leave you behind._

_As for us, I don't know where we stand and I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like I have done it - I've screwed up once and for all and that you'll never let me back in after my recent episode. I'm sorry I'm such a screw up all the time, Clare. When I told you I was all in, at the time I meant it and I still do and I don't want this break - I want us back together. Yet, I don't think you want to be with me anymore and that sucks but if I have to force myself to move on then I will. Remember when I said the ball is in your court? Well, it is once again. Either way, just let me know before I have to leave for university - if I even get in at all at this rate. _

_No matter what, I want you to remember that I love you, okay? Always, always remember that. You're my light in the darkness and right now I need you more than I have in a long time. Though I don't want to have to move on without you, it's time for me to stop being selfish and let you be happy. So if you think it's best for you to move on without me then I won't hold you back or tie you down. You deserve better than someone that will mistreat you the way I have. You're an amazing person, inside and out with the most beautiful soul; having a monster like me in your life would probably not help you. Clare, you deserve more than me. And I will never hate you if you decide to break up with me over my selfishness. But just know that I'm sorry and that no matter what happens - you'll always be with me in my heart._

_- Eli_

The moment Clare stop reading, her hands began to shake as her eyes began to fill with tears. That was possibly the sweetest yet most heartbreaking letter she had ever read from Eli. She held the letter close to her chest and decided that she needed to see him, right then, and so she got up. Turning off the radio, she grabbed her jacket and cellphone. She headed out the door and down the stairs to the front door, telling her mom she would be back later. She had to make things right between herself and Eli before it was too late.


	2. Chapter 2 Listen to Your Heart

**A/N: This part of the fic contains sexual content! Reader discretion is strongly advised. I also advise you to not be at work/in class or too young if you read this bc it's slightly more detailed than what I normally write, okay? (: Be prepared, y'all. Also, don't complain that a lot of this is filler; it's not. At least, it's not in my opinion!  
**

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**"Listen to your heart, when he's calling for you. **

**Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do. **

**I don't know where you're going and I don't know why but listen to your heart - before you tell him goodbye."**

* * *

That evening, Eli made his way out to the mailbox to get the mail or at least check and see if they had any like his parents had asked of him. They were gone out for their date night and he knew that most likely he would be spending the evening alone then turning it by midnight. It was after seven o'clock and still - he hadn't heard from Clare which didn't surprise him. How could he have the audacity to believe he could actually get her back? He knew he didn't deserve such a loving girl in his life.

As he walked along the yard, the grass crunched beneath his feet as he approached the mail box in front of his home. Opening the mailbox, he looked inside and grabbed the bundle of mail before shutting it. He headed back in quickly and slammed the front door behind him. "Bills, bills,_ more fucking **bills**_," he muttered to himself as he looked through the envelopes. But there it was, a white envelope from NYU in his hands. He looked at the calendar, realizing it was now late March and gasped - maybe it was an acceptance letter. Sitting down on the couch, he contemplated opening it but something felt off because the one person he wanted to call to come read it with him wasn't there to share the good or bad news.

His emerald eyes looked over the envelope as his heart pounded in his chest. Eli could feel his anxiety building in his chest as he contemplated opening the envelope again; the temptation to do so was so strong that he almost caved when he heard a knock at the door. Then the doorbell rang not even a second later. Standing up, he placed the envelope down onto the coffee table with everything else. He ran a hand through his short black hair, as he pulled the door open with his free hand. And there stood none other that Clare Edwards, her eyes slightly puffy from crying while her cheeks were tear stained. Eli was speechless for what felt like the first time in a very long time; though neither one knew what to say to the other as they stood there in the doorway. And suddenly it felt like Eli's heart was pounding twice as hard in his chest.

Clare couldn't take it anymore, she stepped forward a few inches and wrapped her arms around Eli's waist as she began to cry softly into his chest where she had buried her face. "You must really love me an awful lot," She muttered through her tears. Instinctively, Eli wrapped his arms tightly but gently around Clare as he breathed in her familiar scent. "I didn't know you felt that way. I didn't know I was the reason why you didn't want to give up last year and - I didn't know you even felt like that to begin with. I'm so glad you didn't harm yourself though, Eli. I would have missed you so much and I would have never been the same without you." Clare admitted, looking up into Eli's bright green eyes as she felt a tear roll down her cheek.

Eli didn't know what to say to that or how to respond, so he allowed his instincts to take over and did the one thing he knew best. He pressed a soft, chaste kiss onto Clare's lips then pulled back to look deep into her beautiful azure eyes. "I meant every single word I said in that letter. I spilled my heart to you and I said the only thing I knew - that I love you. Always have and always will," Eli replied as he continued to hold her close to him. "You're the reason that I'm still here and you're the only thing that helps me get by. I don't know what I would do or where I would be but I know that I wouldn't be as happy as I am whenever I'm with you." He continued on, rambling a bit before Clare spoke up to interrupt him.

"Let's move on from this, okay? I won't make you talk anymore unless you want to talk - and never be afraid to tell me you don't want to discuss something." Clare stated, however before Eli could reply to her words she leaned in and kissed him softly, gently sucking on his bottom lip as she allowed the kiss to deepen. Clare could feel her heart pounding as she took control, taking Eli's hand to lead him upstairs to his room, knowing what she wanted to do. Needed to do, even.

* * *

The two remained silent as they walked up the stairs, you could hear nothing but the faint sound of their breathing and the sound of their footsteps. Once they arrived at Eli's bedroom door, Clare opened it then pulled him inside, and shut the door behind her. She locked it before going in for another kiss, the third one was much more forceful than the other two as she allowed her hands to roam freely around his torso. Instead of saying something, her hands found their way down to Eli's jeans, her fingers tracing along the rough edge of his waistband as their tongues moved gracefully against each other.

Instead of moving things along at a quick pace, Clare decided to take things slower and playfully pull him to the bed with her. As the two fell against Eli's soft mattress, Clare moved so that their legs were intertwined while they kissed, a quiet giggle escaping her lips while doing so. When Eli moved to take control over the two of them, he moved away for air and began to kiss along Clare's jawline and down to her neck. Surprisingly, she didn't stop him when he began to move further down her neck this time, which caught him off guard. Eli looked up into her eyes for a moment and she smiled in response. "You don't have to stop, it's okay," he whispered, biting her lip softly as she looked down into the others emerald orbs. He was still cautious with her, after all they literally just got back together and now they were making out on his bed.

As Eli began to move towards her upper chest, planting simple soft kisses randomly along her collarbone, Clare moved to remove her jacket leaving Eli to give her a confused look before he realized what was going on. "I remember the last time you wore that," Eli muttered, glancing down at the black floral printed dress as she moved to remove her shoes.

"Oh?" She replied simply but quietly.

He nodded, "Yeah. One of our first dates."

"Wanna help me take it off?" Clare asked, sounding surprisingly more confident than she intended to. Eli raised his eyebrows, his jaw slack as he took in the words she had just said but without missing a beat he motioned for her to stand up. He wasn't going to let a moment like this pass them by. Moving to stand, Eli took hold of the zipper on the back of Clare's dress, pulling it down slowly as his green eyes watched more and more of her skin appear as the dress slowly fell from her shoulders. The ocean eyed girl turned to face her boyfriend, their eyes locking as Clare allowed the dress to fall to the floor as she took a step out of it.

Eli's heart pounded in his chest, a gentle thud rattling his ribcage as he breathes in slowly, taking in every inch of Clare's nearly naked body from behind. Her porcelain skin is barely covered by a black push-up bra and the tight vintage lace panties. Her curls just barely touching the top of her shoulders gently. "Oh my God, Clare," he muttered, feeling his breath hitch in his throat as she turned to face him. She gave him an innocent look as she moved to press their bodies together once more, leaning in for a chaste kiss.

"Now, let's get your clothes off." Clare whispered seductively, it was almost like she knew that no matter what - she could never scare Eli off and so she was feeling much more confident for the time being. And apparently it was working. Eli didn't stop to question anything, instead he allowed Clare to help him lift his t-shirt over his head then she tossed it to the floor next to her dress, jacket, and shoes. "_Breathe, he's not running away from you. You'll be fine,_" Clare thought, feeling his arms wrap around her once more as the two engaged in a more passionate kiss.

As the two collided during their kiss, for the first time in her life she could feel Eli's bare skin touching her own as his lower torso touched her own a few times. Though Eli hadn't seen much, he could feel himself becoming more aroused as the two kissed, while he allowed his hands to roam along the blue eyed girl's sides. Clare felt a tingling sensation shoot through out her entire body as Eli's rough but warm hands ran along the curve of her torso. Eli moved his hands to Clare's back, his hands gripping her bra lightly but just as soon as he began to unhook it, she took a step back. The raven haired boy couldn't help but to assume he had done something wrong. Though, he was pleasantly surprised when she moved to unhook it herself, smirking as she kept her eyes locked on his the whole time. That alone was enough to make the boy feel weak at the knees.

The moment she took her bra off, Eli watched it fall to the ground as he took in every inch of his girlfriend's chest, choking back a gasp at the sight of her beauty. "You're perfect, Clare," Eli muttered, his eyes filled with lust as his eyes moved from being locked on her chest back to her azure hues. Clare blushed immediately as she stood there in front of him topless but now she was starting to feel safer - more secure.

* * *

The two quickly moved back to the bed, Clare pushed Eli down against the mattress as she kissed him gently, while sucking on his bottom lip while allowing her hands to find their way to his jeans. Taking hold of them by the waistband, she unbutton his pants and let them slide down, while giving him time to get them off. Once the jeans were on the floor, Eli pulled Clare in for another deep kiss as their tongues collided again, and the other could feel how aroused he was just by moving her leg against his inner thigh. Her eyes reopened as she realized just what it was she had felt. Eli moved to focus his attention on Clare's neck while he played with the cloth of her panties. "Take them off," Clare whispered, Eli smirked as gripped her underwear with both hands and began to slowly pull them down along her thighs. Feeling his length twitch while being restrained by his dark gray and black striped boxer briefs.

Once Eli removed Clare's underwear, he tossed them straight to the floor behind him as Clare began to blush, turning a slight shade of pink from her face down to her upper chest. Instead of using words to reassure her that he wasn't running away, he moved in and pressed a soft kiss to Clare's lips, allowing it to deepen once she parted her lips. During the kiss, Eli's fingers roamed about on Clare's upper torso then down to her lower torso, as he carefully made his way between her legs with his free hand. The brunette let out a slight gasp as Eli's fingers parted her sensitive folds, as they rubbed in gentle circles along her most delicate area. Clare bit down on her bottom lip to fight back moaning out as she watched what Eli was doing. The feeling alone sending miniature shock waves of pleasure along her lower body every now and then.

But just as he began to get her warmed up, he moved his hand away and opened the nightstand drawer, grabbing the condom he would soon be wearing. As Eli's lips found their way back to Clare's lower neck and collarbone, he heard a faint whimper escape the others lips. "I love you, Eli." She stated simply.

"I love you, too. More than you'll ever know," He admitted quietly. Quickly he pulled away from the kiss and moved so that he could remove his boxers. Clare sat up as she watched Eli, the only time she had ever seen him naked was when he ran through the halls of the school streaking while tripping on drugs. Though she made sure not to look at anything below his waist while chasing him down the halls. So all of this was still very new to the girl.

Eli opened the condom wrapper and took the condom out of the pack, tossing the wrapper in the trash as he sat aside the condom for a moment, so that he could remove his boxers. There was no going back from here, Eli and Clare both knew that, but still the two found themselves holding their breaths for a moment as he took off his boxers then kicked them aside. The raven haired boy looked back at the blue eyed beauty for a moment; he hoped that he was everything that she had wanted him to be and when Clare smiled back at him - he realized that she was. He felt a sense of relief in knowing that this was it and they both truly wanted this. Taking the condom, he rolled it on as Clare laid down half way against his pillows so that she was still sitting up slightly.

* * *

Eli took a deep breath as he moved to hover over Clare for a moment as she looked up at him with a small smile. Exhaling quietly, he leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to Clare's lips as she moved so that he could get between her legs. He pulled away and looked deep into her ocean blue eyes for a moment, though his eyes were filled with lust, he still managed to look at her in the most loving of ways as their eyes made contact. "I love you," he whispered, a certain tone taking over his voice as he spoke.

"I love you, too," Clare whispered in response, her tone sweet as she looked lovingly back into his eyes. Eli then move to position himself at her entrance; one hand on the base of his length and the other on her hip. Clare swallowed anxiously as she watched Eli guide his length inside of her. Her body tensed slightly at the sharp, pinching pain of him pushing inside for the first time. She flinched slightly as Eli began to thrust gently, allowing her body to adjust to the new feelings and sensations she was experiencing.

Though Eli was moving slowly at first, Clare found herself gripping Eli's shoulders as she continued to feel a slight stinging pain. "Am I hurting you?" He breathed, finding it difficult to speak as he moved. It was the first time in years since he had sex with anyone and so the pleasure he was feeling was out of this world. Clare shook her head and smiled up at him, though she was still feeling a little discomfort but it was starting to fade away as he kept moving.

Clare's hands moved from Eli's shoulders down to his upper torso as she allowed her hands to roam along his body. Eli's free hand moved to her upper torso, his hand softly moving against her breast to see if he could get a reaction out of Clare. When Clare's head tilted back and she bit her lip, Eli started to move a little faster with his thrusts; allowing himself to enjoy the warm tightness surrounding his length. As the young man continued to thrust deep into Clare, he decided he wanted to change positions so that he could hold her close while the two made love.

"Let's change positions," he breathed, pulling out for a second. Clare looked at him with a slight pout then nodded her head, she sat up a little more as she watched Eli move next to her, laying down on his right side. "Come here," he added, breathing heavily as he patted the spot next to him. "Now turn on yours and-" he cut himself off as the other moved very close to him. Now that his abs were making contact with her back, he moved her leg so that it was wrapped around both of his before taking the base of his length in his hand once more.

Reinserting himself earned a quiet moan from Clare as he moved his arm around the middle of her torso with a smile. He brushed some of her hair back out of the way as he began to thrust again, this time at a better angle and a little bit deeper. Clare turned her neck so that she could look at Eli and watch his reactions. There was something about the way he was making her feel, that made her realize that she was completely happy there in his arms. Her nervousness and anxious feelings were gone and all that was left was love. Maybe a touch of happiness, too.

"_She's so beautiful,_" Eli thought, smiling sweetly as he went in for another passionate kiss - allowing their tongues to run wild against each other. Just as they were kissing, Eli worked his hips faster, hitting what he thought was Clare's g-spot. As she shuddered slightly, Eli knew he had done it. During each thrust, he would slowly allow the tip of his length to brush over the sensitive spot as he thrust deeply inside.

* * *

Clare broke the kiss and moaned out rather loudly, biting her lip softly as she looked back at Eli. "Please... don't stop, Eli. Don't stop," She muttered, feeling the raven haired boy bite gently along her neck and upper shoulder, sending shivers down her spine. "H-harder, Eli," Clare added, she began to finally move her hips along with his as one of Eli's hands caressed her breasts gently. The brunette turned to look over her shoulder, taking in Eli's expression. His jaw was lightly slack as he breathed heavier than he had been before while his eyes remained fixed on the others. Eli leaned in once more, kissing Clare passionately as he thrust his hips faster and harder - keeping up with the pace Clare had built up.

As Clare let out another moan, this one much more louder while breaking the kiss - Eli could feel a tingling, warm pressure building up in his lower abdomen. "Ah, _Clare_," Eli moaned, though normally in this situation he was much louder. He then pulled out for a moment again and moved one last time to hover over Clare, pinning her down to the bed gently by holding her arms over her head with his free arm. Once he re-entered her, he began to move his hips as hard as he could without hurting the other, hearing her moan and cry out when he would hit just the right spot.

Just as he thrust in really hard, he hit Clare's g-spot one last time sending her into an intense orgasm. Clare's body shook gently, her muscles contracting gently around Eli's hard length. While Clare was in the middle of her orgasm, Eli continued to rock his hips harder and faster until he finally let go with a loud moan, his hips still rocking gently as he finished up. Clare watched Eli's expressions, taking in every detail from his closed eyes to how his jaw was slightly slack from the feeling of intense, much needed pleasure. He then moved to roll over onto the side of the bed, laughing breathlessly as he looked up at Clare, whom was looking at him like she never had before. Though he could see it in her eyes that she was now more in love with him than she ever was before.

"I love you so much," Clare spoke, her eyes filling with tears as she looked down at the flushed emerald eyed boy next to her.

"I love you, too." He replied with a grin as he tried to catch his breath. Clare's eyes then looked towards the door to Eli's bathroom.

"Maybe we should get cleaned up?" She asked. Eli smiled and nodded his head as he sat up to take off the condom.

"Yeah, we definitely need to. Let's go."


End file.
